We accept the love we think we deserve.


We accept the love we think we deserve.

I asked him why he had taken the time to write the quote down in his notes on his phone.

“Because you’ve done that. You’ve done that in all of your other relationships before.”

We rode with the windows down. Her hand hung out the window, her hot pink nails clicking together as she twirled her fingers through the air, her palm riding the breeze. She was blonde and sun kissed and beautiful. I had met her first semester in a biology class, and we knew everything there was to know about the other one within a week.

We drove around campus, and she played me the songs she listened to every time the boy who mended her heart just to break it again stopped talking to her. She had the kind of voice that surprised you when you finally heard it, and she had this wonderful knack of being able to dance and sing as though I wasn’t in the passenger seat next to her.

A Miley Cyrus song came on.

“Bangerz literally got me through this break up,” she said, spinning the volume dial all the way to the right.

Miley Cyrus may be a lot of things, but one thing she is not is a coward who’s too scared to say the things worth saying, the things we’re all afraid to say. She’s more than a trend setter: she’s a woman who sings about thinking love conquers all.

And just like Miley, I realized that most of us believe that “all” part that love is supposed to conquer includes stubborn hearts that love us the wrong way.

We accept the love we think we deserve. Because for some reason it’s an innate belief in the human heart that we are all entitled to a love that beats the odds, a love that changes the core of a person, a love that overcomes.

My friend let that boy love her and leave her more times than either of us could count. She accepted the love from him that she thought she deserved because she thought she deserved someone who eluded her for so long just to have a massive eureka moment and chase her down with an infinity of “I love you’s.”

Us humans, we don’t like our own tangibility. We want to move and sway and change the very atoms that float in the air around us; we want to feel them curl around us in desperation when we leave, and we want them to stick close when we arrive. We want to be irresistible. Most hearts crave to be a force that’s bigger than the sort of stuff tough skin can wrap around.

It’s why Noah waited so long for Aly I’m the Notebook. It’s why he waited for her to make the choice between him and her fancy fiancé from the north. It’s why Rhett suffered through a marriage to Scarlett in Gone With the Wind, buying time until she finally realized she loved his tired soul. It’s why David finally shows up at the airport to kiss Jade at the end of Endless Love.

Because at the end of the day, we just want to be able to say “Look. Look how much I mean to someone the the very makeup of who they’ve been has completely rearranged to make them someone new.”

Me? I’m more of a “the-guy-doesn’t-get-the-girl” type of movie lover.

Because I’ve been the girl that’s waited.

And the one thing I’ve learned: in real life, Aly marries her fancy fiancé from the north. In real life, Rhett spends his days loving a woman who loves him back with everything that’s in her. In real life, Jade meets someone new and wonderful at college and they get married and David is happy working at his dad’s auto shop.

Because in real life, we don’t deserve a love that overcomes. We deserve a love that meets us half way, a love that shows up and says, “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and I could never pretend that fact isn’t true.”

We deserve a love that stands up and claims us every time.


9 thoughts on “We accept the love we think we deserve.

  1. Wow! This seriously has to be one of the best and most wonderful blog posts I’ve read since being on wordpress. I must admit over the years I’ve been hypnotized to the thought that maybe, just maybe one day some guy that I’ve been longing for will somehow come to the realization that I was the one who got away.
    Soon, he would be running to find me and declaring some kind of love that can only be seen in movies. It wasn’t until recently (after a marathon of One Tree Hill and watching six seasons of Lucas choosing everyone in the world over Peyton, before finally realizing that she was the one, and she of course taking him with open arms without a question of what brought him back to that decision) I realized that I don’t want to be the girl it takes him years to notice. I to want the guy that knows immediately (when I say immediately, I don’t actually mean at first sight) but within a timely manner of getting to know me and finding out that I am a really great person who he can actually see himself with long term. No games. No chasing. Just a mature relationships that won’t have to endure years of pain and heartache, before it gets to the good parts.
    Well, before I go rambling on and on in your comment section, I just wanted to say Thanks. For what, you ask.
    For reminding me once again that there is in fact a kind of love out there that doesn’t have to be years in the making, but in stead a right now love. The one that won’t cause years of misery before it can bring you a year of happiness.

    P.S. I feel like there is in fact more that I should write, but unfortunately I’ve got some what of a writers block. So, Thanks.

    • We’re so conditioned to think that love isn’t grand unless it’s hard, unless there’s some grand triumph at the end of the story. My sweet guy is the one who pointed out that I’d been accepting love I thought I deserved, and I thought he was being crazy. I had never thought I deserved someone who treated me poorly, I knew I deserved better, because everyone does. And then I realized that accepting the love we think we deserve doesn’t mean we think poorly of ourselves, and that’s what he meant!
      So I hope you find that love that comes out swinging! Thank you for your encouragement!

  2. I’ve been the girl who waited too. And waiting only hurt me in the end, this year he got engaged and married to somebody else. At 24, I finally learned one of life’s hard lessons, life isn’t a romantic comedy or a Hallmark movie where the guy realizes your’re the one you want to spend the rest of his life with. There isn’t a kiss with a swelling soundtrack that makes your gut ache. The guy does get the girl, but the girl rarely is you. Until one day God sends that one person He made just for you and then you are.

    I’m still waiting for somebody to stand up and claim me, and now I’m even more sure he will one day.

    • Keep waiting. It’s so worth the wait. Even if it sounds strange, you are actually worth more than a last resort, all out, “I-realized-I’m-in-love-with-you” fight. And even though we think that means more than someone who wants you from the get go, how wonderful it feels when you finally find that person who has no doubt that you’re all he wants, that you’re it.

  3. This was perfect. My soul needed me to read all these words. It was so soothing. Thankful for H.B. for showing me your blog. I almost done reading all your posts. 🙂 I am subscribed to the email list.

  4. “We deserve a love that stands up and claims us every time.” Right on.
    I’m getting married this month, and have learned so much about love and it’s shapes and efforts and forms… this is what I find comfort in, what you said. That real love is what meets you where you are, accepts you, and walks with you.. wherever that walk is or is headed. Lovely writing. Glad I stumbled here.

    Chels // {heartnatured.com}

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