There were five reindeer covered in specks of reflecting plastic so the yellow lights of the store bounced off of them like a disco ball.
Little, red signs shaped like arrows or present tags that said, “From Santa” and “I’ll be yours for Christmas” were on the shelf below. A tree sat to the right of everything; it was decorated with birds that had long feather tails, glass balls sprinkled in silver glitter, and tiny China dolls. My mother and sister were running around the store somewhere, but I was stuck staring at the reindeers.
I was staring at the Christmas reindeer, a cold calm washing over me:
He does not want you anymore. He does not want you anymore. He does not want you anymore.
Up until three weeks ago, I woke up every morning to tell 19 thousand people how worth loving they are through a phone screen, but I was staring at those reindeer thinking,
“You have been second choice to new people, new opportunities; you’ve felt not worth the first spot. But my God, you’re not even worth a fight.”
He doesn’t want you anymore. He doesn’t want you anymore. He doesn’t want you anymore.
But tell me, darling, have you ever seen a Florida sunset? Drive for miles down that flat strip of pavement and watch the sun set the trees on fire, kissing the blue of day goodnight. There is purple and blue and orange and gold, and you can only see its beauty when you stare the sky dead in the face: look behind you, there will be night; look ahead of you, there will be night. And it’s beautiful because you can see the stars ahead of you, but you just want to know that those colors will be there. You want to know that when you drive to where the black cloak is, you will still be able to see the sun sinking behind the trees straight out your window.
Let me tell you, I’m staring at my part of the sky that I can just see out my window– Im staring it straight in the face, and it is beautiful. But I want to know that the colors are still sitting there behind all the black that I can see up ahead.
So I’ll keep driving.
Because that kind of beauty is worth craning your neck to watch go by, the kind of beauty that’s worth waiting for even if it just looks like dark from where you’re sitting.