Secrets, pt. 1

I’ve got secrets that look like wandering hands in a crowded room (full of friends) and not being able to fight him off.

I’ve got secrets that look like games of hide and seek gone wrong in the woods when bigger arms held me still and used me like a puppet.

I’ve got secrets that look like curiosity experiments I tried to say no to only to be ignored and then finally told “I haven’t liked you this whole time.”

I’ve got secrets that look like boys walking me down an aisle to pray with me at an alter because they sat at computer screens late at night and then only ever just wanted to sit in a basement and kiss me.

I’ve got secrets that look like kicking and pushing after being pinned down the second I was gotten alone and then having to hold his hand why he prayed and asked God to forgive him and help him.

I’ve got secrets that look like kisses and kisses and kisses in an unlit room because I was kissable but not dateable.

And then I’m 20 years old and a preacher man asks me and 12 other college students where we got our ideas about love and sex from.
“Church boys who watched too much porn,” I thought, but sat silent.
Because we don’t talk about those kind of things.
Besides, who wants to be the girl who shines a light on all the things she was robbed of when one of the boys who stole from her is sitting at another table across the room talking about his fiancé and the ministry school he was just accepted at?

Now boys kiss girls but won’t speak to them in the church hallways.
Now girls jump over lines their 12 year old hearts set up as boundaries so that the don’t get called “boring.”
And no one says anything because we are conditioned to believe that this is normal.
But it’s not normal.

And I didn’t realize how much these secrets shaped my life and affected my relationships until I was confused when a boy didn’t kiss me on the first date. Or the second. Or the third.

Because our bodies are for sharing and are hearts can be given to a doctor we pay hourly to talk to us. Right? And pushing someone too far is just a “personal temptation someone struggles with,” and forgiveness is just so easy to ask for every Sunday.

I don’t want to get used to being kissed and never spoken to.
I don’t want to hear one more girl say “He said I was boring and left when I said no.”

You are more than your body.
You are more than someone’s guilt, someone’s secret, someone’s sin that keeps them slipping up.

Yeah, I’ve got secrets.

And I don’t want to sit on a silent normalcy society has accepted anymore.

Where’d I learn about love and sex from?
Church boys.

And Jesus is still reconditioning me.


8 thoughts on “Secrets, pt. 1

  1. Hey girl! Thought of you when I did a re read of this. Just seemed like a feel you might like.. read sing…
    Keep up the writing…it let’s your soul breathe

  2. Wow. I am left quite speechless after reading such an evocative post. Beautiful, melancholy, honest. I am the quiet reader who haunts blogs and silently critiques and appreciates. Not once have I left a response for the author’s eye about what the writing did to my heart… until now that is. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m sure it was hard to expose yourself in this way, but I can’t thank you enough. Please continue to write. God has given you the gift of words. Thank you again.

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